The Riblog

Yes, I know I spelled it wrong (funny aside, I finally figured out that spelt wasn’t a word recently). It has been 2 weeks since I’ve joined a local gym. I started off simple, on the treadmill for a while then on a bike to a full-blown weights regime.

I hurt like crazy each morning but I know it’s because I’m working muscles that have probably never even used. Each rep fills my body with acid that I think might be killing me but I kept at it until I got to the end.

It’s weird now. I’m always keen to go to the gym. I can totally understand now why people get hooked on exercise, the high is unbeatable. I sat there in bed last night just thinking about what I’ll do tonight (I’m going to do my cardio on one of those standing-up-bike-things, yep. real technical.

I’m actually motivated by the feeling I get from exercising. I never expected that at all, I would have thought I would have serious motivation issues. I’m also using my enthusiasm to motivate Rachael as well, she’s more often than not the one who can’t be bothered. I’m treating each excuse as an example of how much work we need to do to reach our goals. She’s not impressed when I force her to the gym after tea.

I’m very excited by this new step towards being sub-100kg, this was supposed to be the hardest part, it’s so far been challenging and fun. Can’t wait to go again tonight!

An idea I’ve been kicking around lately is walking away from social networks. While Twitter and Facebook are both places I spend a lot of time each and every day I find that this devalues my real-world interactions.

So I want to experiment by walking away. Uninstall Twitter and Facebook from my phone, remove them from my life and see how different the world is without them.

Not only will I stop Twitter and Facebook, I’ll also stop going to news aggregators and things like Instagram and Tumblr (keeping the blog open and stop following the rest).

I’m sick of the pack mentality, the herd of social networks. We flock to an outrageous news article’s comment section or YouTube video just so we can be “first”. There’s no real interaction anymore, just postulating and hoping that one some basic level we are loved.

Facebook has long annoyed me, becoming a place now where all of my friends are on IM but that’s it. I don’t comment, post photos or make statuses like I used to. Twitter is the same, I’m more of a silent observer now, retweeting something that made me laugh.

I’ve got email, I’ve got a phone. I’ll keep Facebook’s standalone IM client so I can keep up on IM with friends. I wont’ be disconnected, I’ll be avoiding.

I just want to be free, the reliance on social networking is making me realise how caged I really am.

Music is something I think most of us hold dear. A particular song or album can act as a time capsule, a coping mechanism or motivator. The fact that there are trillions of songs out there is a testament to how big of an impact music makes on our global culture.

I had an interesting conversation with a younger co-worker last week that had me taken aback a little.

He was listening to some music on his headphones as we do in our workplace and I asked him what he was listening to. 

‘Let me guess, you’re going to tell me it’s shit?’ he replied, a knee-jerk reaction.

Music, just like film and paintings is an art form.

What I don’t get about some people is how “against” certain genres, bands, artists, movies or books. Art is subjective. You can have a hundred people look at a classic Monet and have 100 different responses. It doesn’t mean the painting is shit because 3% didn’t like it.

Nicki Minaj is god-awful but I can’t hate it. Do I wish she’d clean her throat out with acid? Yes. Can I tell someone they are wrong or stupid for liking her music? No.

We’re given this amazing ability that allows us to make decisions based on what we like. If we don’t like something, we don’t like it, simple. If you don’t like it, live with it. You’re not the audience so it shouldn’t upset you anymore.

My tastes range from blues to metal, rap to classical, operatic to reggae. I don’t listen to music I don’t enjoy. I often will find a sub genre in there that I do enjoy. But country music is not terrible, I like some of it. But not all of it. I can’t say that it’s my favourite genre (even though blues and country are very closely related).

But what I will never do is call something wrong or stupid for liking it.

Having a conversation with life-long herterosexual brother from another mother and lover, Lex opened a door today that I wanted to talk about.

Imagination.

I have the mind of a six year-old child. I can’t remember the last time I held a stick without thinking it was a sword. Every time I see a herd of cows I think of the conversations they have. When I have to wait for something to load I close my eyes and re-enact a sweet fight scene from Enter the Dragon or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Sometimes I wonder why.

I tend to side with the childish but mature adult sort of way of thinking. When my friends aren’t around or when something important is happening I snap back into adult mode and deal with whatever it is with calm and resolve. But the second I don’t have to worry about something important I’m  day-dreaming or dodging fake lunges directed at me by some sort of knife-wielding bandit.

I’m not sure if it’s my coping mechanism to the normal mundane parts of life, the filler moments between important decisions and cleaning the house. I think it helps me in expending energies in my head. I find if I’m not being stupid for long periods of time I can’t sleep and get stressed. So I take a breather, think of something funny, write a little limerick in my head or throw punches at invisible ninjas.

It tends to be a very private part of my life that not many people see, I hide it when friends are around. Rach has seen it before, she calls me insane and she’s probably right, but she lives with it, most likely embarrassed.

I think one of the downsides of using my excess energy on being a little kid stops me from dreaming, or at least remembering my dreams. For some reason I remember when I get high and sleep after, maybe they are strong enough to break through the blocks put up by my self conscious. I honestly think though that my brain throws it’s hands up at night time saying “alright, go to sleep! I’ve had enough of your bullshit today!”

It helps in more ways than it harms. It helps my writing, it helps my mental health and most importantly it keeps me young on the inside.

If only my body could keep up.

Changes are always there whether we know it or not. Every minute of the day your body is doing incredible things, digesting food and drink, powering the furnace. Your brain is performing complex calculations and actions, we’ll never understand how powerful this mass of grey flesh is.

Every second of every day of your life you are changing. You a born, you grow and you die millions of times a day. We lose billions of cells a month, we lose hair every day. Our weight expands and diminishes between every meal.

To say people don’t change is absurd.

A few weeks ago I had my future sister-in-law’s 21st birthday. We got dressed up and headed off. This was the first time I really got dressed up since my big change I started in January. So I bought a nice shirt and got all sexy looking.

I looked at myself in a whole new light. I felt really positive, I looked damn good and I knew Rachael in particular thought so too (she couldn’t take her eyes off me).

So when I mentioned earlier in the week that I needed to make more changes in my life I set about looking at what I could change. The big one straight away was my appearance. I liked how I felt when I dressed up. I felt confident, positive and motivated. These are properties I wanted to bring back into my every day life.

So last night when I finished work I went to get some dinner from the supermarket (baked and crusted salmon w/ salad, was great!). While I was there I went to the men’s health section. I picked up some face wash, moisturiser, shaving cream and some new razors.

Then I got home and shaved. I haven’t shaved since December 2011 when I finished one job to move to the other (except once for my sister’s formal). The beard is gone. My hair is neat, my skin is clear.

I’ve ditched the t-shirt for a buttoned shirt and I’ll be getting some more and a good pair of jeans on the weekend. I feel strong, confident, positive and motivated.

It’s never too late to change. Don’t postpone things that make you feel good, after seeing how much of a different attitude this gave me I’ll never go back.

Identify the things that improve your life and run with it. Go for it, it wont hurt!

Got a confession. I’ve been bad.

I’ve eaten way too much bad food in the last week. Every morning I can smell the grease washing off me in the shower, its that stale stench that made me realise that I’ve done something awful. I’ve started slipping back into that habit of eating awful things and not giving a fuck.

I slapped myself and told myself to focus. This isn’t a “diet” its a lifestyle change and I’m slipping back into my old lifestyle. While the changes aren’t really being seen on the scales yet there’s no doubt in my mind that they will soon.

So today I start fresh. I’ll cook something good, feel super hungry after but know that I’m taking the first steps back on the trail.

This is a weird feeling at the moment. Normally when I fail something I feel horrible because I would normally be letting someone down. That’s not true in this case, I’m only letting myself down. Where I would normally make a promise to someone to never do it again, its harder. You can’t promise yourself something because deep down you know you’re full of shit and your promise is worthless.

Maybe this is a side-effect of my depression, maybe it’s the seed of some shithouse comeback by that old demon. I don’t know, but I know how to fight it now.

One thing that I have now is something better, I look at myself in the mirror and see someone who’s getting thinner. I’m looking younger, I’m feeling better, healthier and positive. If this was the solution I would have done this years ago when I was still thinking I’d be better off at the bottom of a cliff, mangled on some rocks.

The promise I made to myself four months ago now is invalid now. I broke that promise. So its time to make a new one. Not to myself this time. So here it goes:

Rachael. I promise that I’ll be 100kg (or lower) by October 25th, 2014.

Mum and Dad. I promise I’ll be in a position where I won’t be dropping dead from a heart attack before you guys.

My friends. I promise I’ll be able to do active things, get out of the house, kick the footy down on the beach, go on adventures instead of watching TV.

Everyone. I promise I wont fail again. I promise I’ll call for help when I need motivation. I promise that I’ll be better than I used to be.

Now if I break these promises I’ll feel awful for letting people down, something that I feel is the biggest motivator.

I hit one of my goals earlier this week, the quickly undid the hard work I had made.

This was a humbling experience. It taught me a lot.

This is how it went.

Goal 1 - Lose 10 kilograms (about 25lbs) COMPLETE.

Then I went and celebrated with junk food. Then something awful happened. I got back into that habit, almost instantly. I started eating junk when I wasn’t hungry and soon enough I was back up another 2kgs.

Since then I’ve resolved this issue and I’m back down to that 10kg mark (phew).

So this is my current set of goals:

Goal 1 - Lose 10kg COMPLETE

Goal 2 - Lose 10% (13.7kg)

Goal 3 - Lose 20kg

Goal 4 - Lose 20% (27.4kg)

I can’t even explain how good I feel right now. This has been a serious shakeup of my lifestyle. The biggest improvement is not how I look but how I feel about myself. A large chunk of my previously mentioned depression came from body image issues so I feel like every day I’m kicking one of my biggest problems in the dick.

On Tuesday I realised I was snacking on chips and chocolate in the house and went about throwing it all out (giving it away in most cases). I didn’t need it and the fact that I stacked on 2 kilos in 3-4 days was just insane. It’s not good. So I got Rach to take all of the chocolate to work so she could share with her workmates and I threw the half bag of chips out. This sort of irresponsible behavior got me to 140kg in the first place. So I put my foot down and stopped it before I got out of hand.

Back to my current goal.

Once I’ve hit 20% I’ll be about 110kg (having lost almost 30kg at that point), I’ll still have a bit of work to do but I’ll be down to what I consider a huge improvement.

I’m feeling pretty good at the moment. I’m proving to myself I can do it, I’m fighting myself (the old me) and winning.

Thanks to all the awesome people out there who have backed me on this, your help is never to be ignored.

STARTING WEIGHT: 137.7kg (07/01/2013)

CURRENT WEIGHT: 127.4kg (05/04/2013)

CURRENT GOAL: 10% (125.2kg)

NEXT GOAL: 20kg (117.7kg)

Fuck yeah, bring it on, bitches!

So I had this weird revelation on the weekend about love.

Love is just a word.

We use it to tell someone we feel really strongly towards them but it seems that the word itself has overblown connotations.

REWIND!

I was 15, had my first girlfriend, I was pretty cute back then, a fair bit skinnier than I am now. I had the whole “omg i luv u bbgurl” thing going on.

What the fuck?

Looking back, I didn’t love her, sorry, but it’s true. I really liked her, I enjoyed making out with her and all that. But that wasn’t love.

I’m starting to understand now what love it, what quantifies as love and all that nonsense. I love my family and my friends. I love my football teams, my favourite bands and TV shows. I love Fight Club and The Anchorman.

Wait.

Huh?

Love is something that is we use as a label to rationalize in our head the importance of that thing. I love steak. And by saying “love” I mean, “if I had a choice between steak and a hat, I would choose the steak”. When I say I love my friends, I really mean “these are people that make me feel good when i’m with them, they are people who will have my back if something bad happens”.

I think when we’re younger we think love is a lot more important than what it really is. When you’re young, you haven’t set up your likes and dislikes yet. You’re still experiencing things in a very rapid succession. Something new and important like a new boyfriend or girlfriend is your first experience of holding hands with someone or ramming your tongue down their throat.

I love a lot of things because I think that no matter what happens I’ll continue loving it. For example. When I was 16 my favourite band was The Whitlams, while I don’t listen to their music as much these days, the memories attached to them throughout my developmental years are something that will follow me forever. I can recite every word from every song on Eternal Nightcap because it was once a huge part of me. And just thinking back now reminds me that I will always love them, much like you will always love an old friend or an old girlfriend or a TV show that was on when you were a kid.

I think the word love is a brand for something that leaves a mark on your life in a positive way. It’s not a word that we use to “commit” to someone, it’s a word we use to tell someone that they are important to what you are now and what you’ll be in ten years.

This sounds like one of those home improvement reality TV shows. There probably is one like that…

I’ve been going well. I’ve lost 9kgs as of this morning and I’m feeling a lot better. Now is where I start working a bit harder.

So far I’ve mostly just been eating well, cut back on junk food, I’ve had 2 pizzas since January, both home made. I got rid of Coke from my diet, drink up to a liter a day, now I drink a couple of liters of water every day instead. My overall feelings on the topic are very positive. I’m seeing change in my physique and I feel less bloated and greasy.

This is where I have to kick it up a notch.

I haven’t been strict. This is where I have really fell down. I’m letting bad habits from my previous life as a fat bloke seep into my new and improved liftestyle. The biggest thing is wasting time.

I get to work around 8am, go home at 5:30pm. In that time I’m on a computer all day. I’m on my lunch break right now and I’m still in front of it. What is the first thing I do when I get home? You guessed it, I turn my computer on. Maybe I’ll leave it on until after dinner when I sit down to play games for a couple of hours until bed.

This is the worst aspect of my lifestyle, I’ve accepted it and I’m taking charge on changing it. I’ve created a strict set of reminders on my phone that will go off to signal the start of a new activity. I find that I procrastinate way too much so I think this reminder system will help in getting me a bit more motivated.

Now when I get home at 6pm I get changed into something comfortable and spend half an hour boxing with my fiance, she’s new so we’ll see how we go with this bit. Then at 6:30 we cook something fresh and healthy up. I’m in some sort of salad Renaissance at the moment, I’m cooking fresh, healthy and delicious food.

7pm is me time, this is where I can potter around on the internet, watch some Youtube, play some games. By 8pm I’m done, I can go and clean up the house, put a load of washing on and get stuff ready for tomorrow.

From 8:30 - 10pm is time to work on me. Whether this is something creative, writing, reading, guitar (I’ll be picking this up soon) and anything that might help strengthening my mental health (a huge priority at the moment).

Then at 10pm it’s bed time. by the time I get to sleep it’ll be about 10:30pm. Giving me a solid 8 hour of sleep before getting up at 6:30am to do it all again.

I’ve also got to look at my food habits on the whole. At the moment I’m having 3 main meals, I want to squeeze a banana in between each meal or some nuts or something that isn’t chocolate or Coke.

I’m making a good run of it. I was expecting it to take 6 months to lose 10kg so to say I’m doing a lot better than I expected is the best feeling. I’m getting close to my 10% goal of 123kg and now the hard work starts.

At this point I should also do a massive shout out. Everyone on Twitter and Facebook who are following my progress, you all rock. There’s people out there slaying dragons every day. They make what I’m doing look like child’s play but they’re also throwing support my way. It’s seeing people who were in my place once being happy to hit me up with some motivation. Thanks to the people who are cheering me on!

I’ve spoken in length a few times about my battle and eventual victory over depression. Most days I smile knowing that I can smile without being paranoid that people realise that it is fake.

Today isn’t a good day. I’m at home right now, not well. This has stemmed from about a month of sleeping about 5 hours plus a lot of other real-life demands and pressures. I fucking hate this feeling. Luckily it didn’t sneak up on me this time, I saw it from a mile away. I knew how I would best deal and took the chance to prepare myself.

Today I feel fractured, there’s cracks showing up in my resolve as we speak. I’ve had a couple of anxiety attacks and a few times I walked around the house talking to myself. This is far from normal. I talk to myself a lot, but rarely do I vocalise this. It’s more of a “fuck you’re an idiot, Christopher” after doing something really stupid. But this time I was pacing, talking and quickly freaking out.

Then I stopped. Took control again. Push my doubts and shortcomings aside. I folded some clothes, wiped a few benches down and moved on. I disconnected myself from my mind for a few moments and calmly regained balance. 

I’m glad that the years in the trenches better prepared me for this. My coping mechanisms are far better these days. Normally when this overwhelming guilt of not being good enough to be in the same room as someone came over me I would sink to the nearest corner and just sit in it. I would use the enclosed feeling to stop me from spinning out of control, relax for a moment in the solid join where two walls met.

Now I can put walls up in my mind, construct mental defenses to thwart the attack. This might happen once a week or so but the constant attacks have made me better at fighting the urge to start a Live Journal again.

Now I can see it coming. I knew I was in trouble a few days ago, each morning I noticed I was having trouble getting up. Today it just didn’t happen. I laid there for 20 minutes staring at the same spot on the wall until eventually I realised this was going to be the day and pulled my old metal helmet out from under the bed and picked up my sword.

I’m getting there now, I’m about 75% back to normal and should be right by tonight. I’ve surrounded myself with positive influences. I’ve avoided the news and watched some TV shows to remove myself away from my normal trappings of sitting here in front of a computer, looking at news websites and getting all sad.

I’ll get there. My years of beating this back have helped no doubt and I feel less alone now than I ever had. I think if you’re surrounded by people who are without a doubt going to be there when it all comes crashing down. I’m stronger now and I’m still winning.